Small Town Crank: Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Lawrence LaRose

During the past week, The Sag Harbor Express reported that a new Flower Stand will be opening up at the base of Main Street, near the windmill.*  In very short order, the internet went ballistic, Facebook exploded.

Jamie Fleur: New flower stand? OMG, what a great idea!

Clive Banders: WTF!? Really, don’t we have a florist in Sag Harbor already!?

SH-Florist: Yes, we do.

Clive Banders: Jayzus, but isn’t that the florist in town, like the one that believes in reincarnation and astral projection?

Bazazi Cumber: I could never buy an azalea from a person like that, it offends my morals. Like if you are not totally Hippocratic Oath and on the same moral compass as me I could never buy rhododendrons from you!

Nate Carioca: Who you calling a Zionist, you racist twatwaffle!?

Bazazi Cumber: I said AZALEA not Zionist

Nate: Sorry, was reading fast!

Cindy Yaffers: Or Not reading more like!

Tommy Guns: Don’t we already have a flower shop?

Chris Klompers: It’s called Capitalism, dude!

SH-Florist: Yes, we do.

Tommy Guns: It seems stupid, we have one Fire Department, are they going to open another one of those too?

Chris Klompers: You seem stupid, Tommy Guns. A Fire Department is a municipal service funded by taxpayers. Florists and restaurants and hair salons offer a variety of services, cuisines, options, driven by market forces to please the greatest number of people

Tommy Guns: Thanks for the economics lecture, you pointy-headed, turtle-kissing, Lib-twit!

Cindy Yaffers: Maybe we can all get along here? I mean the level of discourse on the internet is really distressing and corrosive, and I worry what is doing to all of us personally, and as a society.

Tommy Guns: Shut up, Cindy!

Chris Klompers: Yeah, Shut up Cindy! Can’t believe I am agreeing with some right-wing gun-slinging nut job. LOL!

Tommy Guns: You Lib-iots always have to turn things political at the drop of a hat. You must just spin in consternation and anguish without Lock Her Up Hilary in office! And Guns just happens to be my last name, I don’t even own one.

Pat Paulson: No guns? Yeah, that’s why there’s a picture of a AK-47 on your profile page!?

Bazazi Cumber: Does anyone know if this new flower stand is organic? Asking for the planet!

Nate Carioca: What are you crazy!? Organic hahaha! Even if they say they are, florists are almost single-handedly destroying the planet. They blanket the fields with pesticides, even when they say they don’t, they use near slave labor in South America, then the flowers are flown here on gas-guzzling, green-house-gas-producing jets! All for a frickn’ petunia and the world is going down the toilet!

Cindy Yaffers: Nate Carioca, where are you getting your facts?

Tommy Guns: Put a lid on it Cindy! Do a Google search, think for yourself! That’s the problem today, people can’t think for themselves do a little investigating. Everything is a hoax and people are falling for it. Next thing you know they’ll call that Albanian Bomber in the Dubuque Applebees a hoax, dude killed like 47 people!

Jamie Fleur: Um, that wasa hoax. No bombing took place in Dubuque. It was a couple high school kids pirating a news website, put up a fake story.

Tommy Guns: Like I’m gonna believe that!

Jane O’Grady: What do we need another flower stand for? We have one. This town is going down the drain, 30 years ago we had one florist and no one complained. This place is getting ruined, not like it used to be at all.

Chris Klompers: Yeah, back when people had sofas on the front porch and the Bulova Factory floated on toxic tides! Those were the days!

Cindy Yaffers: This whole thread makes me think of that W.H. Auden poem, September 1, 1939, which he wrote shortly after the outbreak of World War II. The concluding line is “We must love one another or die.”

Tommy Guns: Screw Auden.

*Not really, but just go with it.