Small Town Crank: Sag Harbor Express Quiz


By Lawrence LaRose

The Fall Semester is in full swing, and the course load has been overwhelming. So much incredible – and darn near unbelievable – information has been thrown at us recently, it would be helpful for a little review. As well, this following survey will estimate your current mental health. The PSAT, or Previously Sane Assessment Tabulator, will tell you if you are keeping up, or just losing your flippin’ mind. Let’s begin!

1) As a sexual predator, you need to be worried about prosecution when how many women accuse you?

  1. 1
  2. 7
  3. 15, but at least two have to be highly paid newscasters or Academy Award winners
  4. 35, if you’re formerly “America’s Dad”
  5. c & d
  6. none of the above

2) Who idea was it for Colin Kaepernick to take a knee, rather than sit, as a sign of respect during the national anthem?

  1. Vladimr Putin
  2. Queen Elizabeth
  3. Contemporary Christian Singer Jaci Velasquez
  4. US Army Veteran, Nate Boyer
  5. All of the above

3) Finish the following quote, currently being shared on social media:

“Racism is so American…”

  1. because the Indians started it.”
  2. only to overly sensitive libtards.”
  3. in the distant past, Mike Ditka told me so.”
  4. that when people see you protesting racism, they think you are protesting America.”

4) The United States has sufficient nuclear warheads to destroy 1,027 cities the size of London, killing 647 million people, so Trump would like to spend money on:

  1. a completely solar driven Puerto Rico
  2. asphalting the entirety of the Grand Canyon for a “really sick” skateboard park
  3. fruit bouquets for Russian diplomats
  4. more nukes

6) The 2017 Hurricane Season is one of the most intense in history. Over 2 millions acres of are burning in the U.S. in one of the worst fire seasons on record. These are indications of what?

  1. Colonial theologian Jonathan Edwards said “There is nothing that keeps wicked men at any one moment out of hell, than the mere pleasure of God,” and right now there a lot more wicked men, and God is less pleased.
  2. The Chinese propaganda machine is picking up steam, and it’s working!
  3. El Nino and El Chapo and El Al Gore have joined forces to offer a new service called Hurricane Prime
  4. Ever since The Weather Channel bought grocery chain SuperValu, its been nonstop storm reportage just to frighten us into stock piling bottled water and Cheez-Its
  5. none of the above

7) Last week, Chuck Schumer co-sponsored the Harmful Algal Bloom and Hypoxia Research Control Amendment Act of 2017, which was passed by the Senate. This Act aims to do what?

  1. a) Just completely stupefy and benumb constituents with long overly wordy names for Acts
  2. b) Strengthen the Nanny State apparatus by forcing us to update septic systems to reduce nitrogen output
  3. c) Dare the House of Representatives to actually pass something
  4. d) Address the water quality crisis on Long Island

8) Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) got into a Twitter feud with Donald Trump this week. The major take away is:

  1. a) Corker is “Liddle”
  2. b) Corker is a truth teller in a land without truth
  3. c) The White House is an “adult day care facility”
  4. e) We live in a deeply embarrassing environment where grown men bicker like middle schoolers on SnapChat

9) Melania Trump recently visited a West Virginia clinic, Lily’s Place, that deals with opioid addiction to listen and offer help. To help the more West Virginians, more money is needed. What is a large obstacle to this?

  1. a) locating West Virginia on a map
  2. b) convincing people that opioid addiction is real, unlike climate change
  3. c) Repeal of Obamacare would dismantle Medicaid expansion and reduce funding to places like Lily’s Place
  4. d) Fending off Ivana Trump, who is running around calling herself the First Lady

10) The rough and tumble hamlet of Patchogue recently made history by becoming the first on Long Island town to ban what?

  1. a) public nudity at brunch
  2. b) taco Tuesday
  3. c) Metered parking for electric cars
  4. d) Aggressive panhandling

11) Catalonia is seeking independence from Spain. Why?

A) they are still smarting from any association with Los del Rio and their smash hit “Macarena”
B) after Brexit, they saw a picture of England on Tinder
C) Someone has to show California how it’s done!