Small Town Crank: Help Wanted


By Lawrence LaRose

Before the corner into August was even turned, otherwise becalmed parents were being besieged by retailers — online and off — to start thinking and acting on the Back-to-School buying lists for their kids. No doubt, this is what accounts for all the honking you hear on the streets — it’s the responsible school parents racing hither and yon, getting things done!

Similarly, with a lot less traffic stress presumably, our School District Administrators are in a race of their own, shopping for new personnel to replace staff that retired or moved elsewhere in the last year. It is a big task, some of our greatest and most loved teachers and personnel will not be returning to their posts in the fall. There are big holes to fill.

Ordinarily, this would be a cause of great concern, and a big stressor on the already heavily worked Administrators. But worry not, there is a solution at hand: look no further than the vast array of talent currently spilling out of the District of Columbia. That deluge could help make our great district greater againer! In the last week alone, three superior intellects have been liberated from the Beltway, and available to make a lasting impression on our schools. If only we have the courage to act!

Think of it: Reince Priebus, Crossing Guard! Sure, I know what you are going to say, “This dimwit couldn’t handle the traffic in the Oval Office. How is he going to keep our kids safe on the streets!?” C’mon, really? The poor man wasn’t given the proper tools or opportunity to succeed. With a shiny new reflector vest and a brain transplant he would be as good as gold, a grade-A hire. Besides, he was a sacrificial lamb in the White House and we’ll need a sacrificial lamb in this position because people will inevitably say, “Yeah, nice, but he’s no Carlozzi!”

Similarly, the recently freed Sean Spicer would be an awesome addition to our school staff in a dual role as kindergarten teacher and debate coach. In his role as Press Secretary, he loved speaking to people like they were five years old, and his rhetorical skills are only surpassed by the inimitable “Not a puppet, not a puppet, you’re the puppet!” President. And if we want to save time and money, make Spicer High School guidance counselor. High school students have problems, wouldn’t it be so much easier to convince them it’s all in their heads? The over-reporting of bullying and bad grades will cease, too. It’s fake news. We all know how uniformly kind and intellectually dedicated kids are: its time to stop the lying.

Which brings us to Anthony Scaramucci. Wow, could we ask for a better Adjunct Athletic Director? Too many sporting teams can be adversely affected by dads who act like jerks – Derks! These guys second-guess a coach’s every decision, and loudly shadow coach from the sidelines. The Mooch would not tolerate this. He’s the biggest Derk of them all! He will shut down blabbermouths and threaten to kill people who get in his way. That’s as invigorating and team building as a Gatorade sponsored death march. Moochman will be a tough leader in a tough age, think Vince Lombardi crossed with a pit bull. Wimpy compliments and hand shakes will be banned. Trash talk and mud in the face will be the stuff of victory. All sporting seasons will last ten days.

Some adjustments may have to be made, but the most salient point is this: who wouldn’t want these multi-talented guys around their kids? They represent the best of the best in a chaos-free White House. The real-life lessons they can share with Jimmy and Cathie are better than any book learning. This is real life lessons and street knowledge. Push the other guy out of the way. Grab everything you can. Exclude everyone who doesn’t look like you. Tear down the swampy pedagogy of old and replace it with something that may or may not be from Russia.

Some may protest that government officials — unlike the three sterling examples above — aren’t good enough for our children. Could you imagine Barack Obama or Dwight D. Eisenhower or Jimmy Carter or George Bush Sr. near your kids in a school setting? What would they learn other than how to work hard and try to help people? That’s a recipe for softness and disaster. Just think how ruinous Madeleine Albright might be to students, urging them to think critically, globally, and diplomatically rather than militarily. That is clearly the stuff of collusion, colluding with a complex world, rather than simply bombing the crap out of North Korea and getting things done. So, oaky, not all government “graduates” should be near our kids, but the right ones could really spice things up.