Small Town Crank: The Disaster Agency Word Dump

Lawrence LaRose

Perhaps the bright lights of Hanukkah and Christmas have pulled our attention away from the country’s continued lurching toward totalitarianism. Silly us! Thankfully the Thought Police came up with a list of banned words for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to avoid. These words include “science-based,” “transgender,” and “vulnerable.” Oh, and “fetus,” which only refers to everyone, everywhere at some point…so you know it’s a dangerous word. Some have called this “Fake News,” but it’s a little more nuanced: CDC’s policy analysts were encouraged to avoid these words in their attempts to get funding. You know, because words like “entitlement” and “diversity” scare the bejeesus out of some people.

At first blush, this Orwellian censorship seems nefarious and intellectually compromising. But since we live in intellectually compromised times, there’s a few more words we should ban. Here’s a start:


Deduce this: the parity party is over! Deductions are over. Like to help people in need, give to various charities? Good for you, but that’s your problem. No more line item. Same for those moving expenses if you just scored a new fracking job in Laramie. For everyone else, your best bet is to legally change your name to Lockheed Martin and itemize yourself silly.


Forget it. Forget you ever knew this word. It’s meaningless and superfluous. The loss of State and Local tax deductions, the reduction in Medicare and Medicaid. Social Security will be taken back next. Rather than bemoan what might have been, buy some sensible shoes: it’s a long day on your feet as a Costco greeter.


This is one of those words that should be eradicated because people commonly misinterpret what it means. Many mistakenly think they are going to receive care and get healthy. Not so. The current system is designed to teach people patience while their blood pressure spikes, being grateful for what you receive rather than what you paid for, and taking proper care of Pharmaceutical CEOs.


Disease has long been battled with methods that are “science based” and “evidence based,” if you’ll forgive the used to two newly banned words. And guess what, we still have disease! Clearly there is no control. In the future, initiatives at the Department of Health and Human Services will be “emotion based” to create a comprehensive plan of “disease observation.” This will be followed by a “feelings based” review and unintentional self-annihilation on a grand scale.


A favorite epithet of the alt-right, coal-chewing Tiki torch crowd. They like to sneer at those who have made it up a rung or two on the economic ladder. This reverse condescension tries to shame a particular class of people, namely those who through study, hard work, and perseverance have made something of themselves. No to be confused with the Elitists, who inherited all their money from Daddy.


Cleaning is a good thing, right? Throwing Rohingyan babies into bonfires is bad; even questionable Nobel Laureate Aung San Suu Kyi should know that. To refer to the expulsion and murder of Armenians, Serbs, Jews or any other group is not cleansing. It should be called it what it is: Genocide.


“The lie is the future,” said famed striptease artist Jacques Derrida, and he could not be more right. We live in a hall of mirrors of misrepresentation and willed misinterpretation. All news is Fake News, unless it says something really complimentary about you. Then it’s real.


Hurricane Maria dealt a devastating blow to an already struggling American territory, leaving many to wonder, “Where’s the rico in Puerto Rico? Indeed, the riches seem to be in the rearview mirror, and pobre times ahead. The island is desperate, lacking basic necessities like water, and clearly unhealthy in its deprivations. Pleas for help go largely ignored or begrudgingly granted. Henceforth it will be called Delta Airlines Economy Class.


Who died and made you an American Indian? Pride of place is socially cohesive, but it’s kind of comical to suggest one voice is more valid than another based on time of arrival. It’s a lot like family: it’s not exclusively genetic or geographic; it’s who shows up. Look no further than the amazing resurrection of the Sag Harbor Cinema, an inspiring effort achieved by relative new comers, old timers, and everything in between.

Clearly this is just a start. There are a great multiplicity of view points in the human experience. Each has a few words it doesn’t like and might be inclined to ban. Assembling all those lists into one big gang ban, will streamline our language to just the nice words. That would be doubleplus good.