Point of View: The Fog of WTF
By Lawrence LaRose
Oh, hey there, what up? Yeah, it’s us, the Enemy of the American People! We used to be called scum, and liars, but we in the media have recently been given an upgrade. The power profile and newfound prestige is a little heady. Enemy status is usually reserved for hostile foreign states with nuclear weapons, but we managed it with a few scratch pads and a Kindle.
POTUS was worked up that we had printed a couple stories with confidential informants. Understandable, that can be a little frustrating. Then, pivot city, Donnie Darko announces the blockbuster story that Barry O. had been “wire taping” him — replete with no evidence whatsoever. Huge life lesson there, we enemies have been doing journalism like losers, writing pieces saddled with sources and castrated by fact checking. With respect to the new shoot from the hip journalism we thought we’d open the floodgates of truth and share a few of the stories we are working on today.
After years of being shrouded in secrecy, Elon Musk – the technology impresario behind PayPal and Tesla – is revealing that he’s vaunted colonization Mars is lifting off. The surprise pilot of the SpaceX mission to Mars is none other than Suffolk County Representative Lee Zeldin. “He seemed the perfect fit,” Musk explained in a recent Skype chat, “he wants to represent the people, he just doesn’t want to deal with them.” Some locals have remarked this fits a pattern of cancelled Town Hall Meetings and fearfully avoiding the electorate. Zeldin’s press secretary Homer Dondesta staunchly denied these characterizations, saying, “Aboard the SpaceX flight, the Congressman will hold a series of virtual Town Hall Meetings, where constituents can virtually interact and feel like they are virtually participating in a democracy.” Dondesta went on to explain the noise and chaos of actually talking to people has become a distraction, and this method will “purify communication” to its essential essence, “like lip reading across an empty gymnasium.” Zeldin’s flight from earth is scheduled until at least November 2018, but could be renewed in two-year installments.
Here’s another grabber: Many have remarked upon the similarity in appearance of Steve Bannon, super special advisor to the “president,” and Rosie O’Donnell. That’s not the story. Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Of course you haven’t. That’s the story! Steve Bannon does not look like Rosie O’Donnell, Steve Bannon is Rosie O’Donnell! Or, at least, was. After being abducted at a Chick-fil-A near Roswell Corners, Georgia, Ms. O’Donnell was forced by Ralph Reed wannabes to undergo the controversial and heretofore unproven gay conversion therapy. Senate Republicans are calling the results an unalloyed success: In the space of three week-long treatments being forced to wear Dockers and undergo “confrontational therapy” (practitioners yell at patients, calling them “liars” and “worthless.” Cough!) the metamorphosis is complete: gay gadfly Rosie was transformed into a wealthy – and nevertheless still angry – white guy with a butt-hair beard and an old-sofa sartorial flair who spews apocalyptic jeremiads and racist cant. Who doesn’t need another one of those!?
In addition to the wonderfully life-sustaining – warm up the DoubleSpeak – budget cuts and regulation rollbacks, some departments of the government are undergoing a spiffy re-branding campaigns to underline what truly makes our country great. Like profits.
The NEA, for example, will from this moment forward be known as the department of Not Enough Assholes. The operating theory, according to government insiders, is that Art has never done anything for anyone. Think about it: it costs you money, what do you get back on your investment? Bupkis. Assholes, on the other hand, have lots of downstream consequences. They discharge protesters. Talk about jobs! And jobs where people don’t make money, they spend it buying placards and pens for signs, buying yarn to knit hats, purchasing buy bus and plane tickets they would not ordinarily, staying in hotels, eating in restaurants. That’s economic stimulus plan and simple.
Additionally, the EPA will define new goals under the current administration, specifically to retool the entire department with the uplifting program called Everybody Plays with Arsenic! What an initiative! If you look at it, arsenic production numbers are in the toilet, a mere 1/1000 of one percent. Terrible, and not at all great. Trump’s pick to head the EPA, Scott Pruitt, says if we protect this resource, and play with Arsenic, we can reverse those numbers by a couple thousand percent! “Where’s the downside?” Pruitt asks. There’s no proof that there is any downside. None. Sure, they concede thousands if not millions of people will die, but that’s a matter of perspective. These people were set to die anyway, and simply advancing the timetable will put mortuary revenues through the roof. Casket manufacturers will experience double and triple digit growth, creating thousands more jobs. Heavy equipment manufacturers of excavators will rebound from their slump. Win. Win. Win. We’ll be winning so much we’ll be sick of winning.